OFFICE MATE"S PRODUCTIVITY WAY DOWN SINCE BEGINNING TO PLAN TO MURDER YOU.

By Chris Churchill/Contributor

Your Cubicle. Yes. I’m talking to you.

Recently, you may have noticed that there is an increased burden on your side of the desk. It seems that your office mate, the one seated in the cubicle adjacent to yours, on the right, is not doing all that he can to carry his portion of the office burden. You may wonder why it is that his/her productivity has plummeted in recent days. I didn’t want to be the one who told you, because, you know, it’s unpleasant news and sometimes people tend to take out their frustrations on the messenger but…well, here goes. Your office mate is planning your death. 

He has it all figured out now. It will look like an accident. In fact, it will look like you accidentally did it to yourself in such a perfectly “you” way that your friends and family will, after a proper mourning period, laugh when they think of it. Weeks, maybe even days from now they will recall your death and simply chuckle, saying under their breath, “That was so…” you. “That’s exactly the way” you “was destined to die. Just perfect.”

That’s why his/her work has been so seriously ignored of late. It takes a lot of planning to work out all the details. Not to mention the research. All the polite, even playful, chit-chat that your officemate has partaken in with you was not just to kill time. It was to kill you. Finding out where you like to have dinner, what you’re allergic to, what parts of your life you tend to neglect when you feel like you don’t really have the time to take care of it. I’m not saying that you will die like this, but here are some possibilities: 

You go into anaphylactic shock after eating a small hidden peanut in your hamburger while driving home in your car with the “touchy” brakes. 

You trip into an empty elevator shaft at your building when your officemate distracts you by saying, “Have a nice night,” causing you to not notice the open pit, causing you to fall to your death.

You drink too much and fall asleep in your garage in your running vehicle. That’s so you, isn’t it?

Anyway, I hope this clears things up. At least you know what’s going on. And as G. I. Joe says, “Knowing is good.”

Chris Churchill teaches communication, media, and theatre at Northeastern Illinois University.  His/book/audiobook, "Ballad of the Small Talker," is available on Amazon, iTunes, and Spotify.