New Political Mascots

By: Chris Churchill/Contributor

What the hell does an elephant or a mule have to do with either of these parties today? Are elephants dogmatic, rich and selfish? Are mules empathetic, secular, and over-educated? Not that I know of. Where’s Sir David Attenborough when you need him?

And of course, the above attributes aren’t all that make up the two parties. I suggest, based on a series of less tangible traits, that we find new mascots. I hereby nominate, to represent the Republicans, the bonobo.  And to represent the Democrats, the chihuahua. 

I want to to disclose a little about myself before I go on. I am from Kansas. I am the son, grandson and great-grandson of Protestant fundamentalist preachers. However, my dad, my siblings and I myself are highly educated. Most of us have advanced degrees in fields that are meant to help others. Psychology, sociology, social work, therapy, communication. These types of things. I think one could find reason to believe that, based on that info, I might be either a Democrat or Republican. You’re right. I might be. 

What I mean to say is, I see good and bad on both sides. With that in mind, here are the reasons for my nominations:

Bonobos are Republicans. They’re family oriented. They believe in seeing to it that the tribe gets what’s theirs. They’re gregarious, even adorable like their close cousins, the chimpanzee, to some. And also, they copulate everything. Mating is currency, it’s punishment, it maintains social order. If you’re a bonobo, you truly believe it’s mate or be mated. The only way to get by in this jungle we all share is to screw the guy next to you before he mates the female too. The men are in charge here. I’m sure female bonobos probably invented tools just to compete with the amount of copulating.  You owe me money? I have you! You ask me for money I owe you? I mess with you! You want my job? You’re gonna have to take me for it! It’s all violation all the time.

The Democrats, on the other hand, are chihuahuas. Chihuahuas are smart, loyal and nervous. They try, try, try to protect their pack. Man oh man, do they think they’re helping. They really think they’re accomplishing something with all that barking. 

They bark, bark, bark and run around and jump but they’re all trained to sit, stay and heel. They all poop on the paper. Or outside by their own tree. Oh and they bark. So much barking. Not that terrifying Great Dane or Pit Bull or Rottweiler barking. No. Those barks might make me act. Those barks might scare a bonobo into temporarily discontinuing the raping of another bonobo. No, chihuahuas barks are incessant and you can’t ignore them but—actually, if you just pick the chihuahua up or put it out in the yard or just stop listening, you can ignore them. It’s pretty easy.

  

Sometimes, you can even give them a new toy and they’ll attack that instead of you. Once, a chihuahua was trying to angrily untie my shoes or something and I just threw some popcorn at it and it became scared and confused and ran away. Chihuahuas know that their owners are good people and deserve love and happiness, no matter how gay, handicapped, ill, female or “of color” they might be. Chihuahuas know we all deserve an equal shot at getting our own bone and a spot in the yard to bury it but we all stop listening to the impotent rage of the chihuahuas as soon as we are able to normalize the noise. 

The thing is, a chihuahua can’t scare a bonobo much. And a bonobo can’t catch a chihuahua. But if they could—oh boy. If a bonobo gets scared, it will hide and comfort itself. And if the chihuahua gets caught by a bonobo, he’s getting screwed.

A large group of chihuahuas can seem to unnerve a few bonobos though. And an organized group of bonobos, able to work together on a goal that is not simply self-aggrandizing, (a rare thing), could corral and train a pack of chihuahuas. But bonobos only care about themselves and who the next bonobo is that they’ll have. And chihuahuas are basically just fun to watch because they try really hard but haven’t figured out how to scare the bonobo. 

Let’s tame them all, make them wear dresses and run this circus ourselves. 

Oh, and:

Independents are squid. (I don’t understand them or their desires but they live in the ocean, so the heck with ‘em. Except on those rare occasions when they decide to come ashore and walk across the beach. Then I’m terrified.)

Libertarians are koalas. (Leave them alone with their strong smelling leaves and never ever corner them.)

Chris Churchill teaches communication, media, and theatre at Northeastern Illinois University.  His book/audiobook, "Ballad of the Small Talker," is available on Amazon, iTunes, and Spotify.