How Many Toes

By: Chris Churcill/Contributor


EXT. PARK.

          CORRESPONDENT addresses camera.

  CORRESPONDENT

                    Have you ever wondered...?

          Turns to people in the park.
                    ...How many toes do we really need

                              PERSON 1
                    3?

                              PERSON 2
                    6?

                              PERSON 3
                    12?

                              PERSON 4
                    18?!

          CORRESPONDENT shrugs.

                              CORRESPONDENT
                    Well, let’s check it out.

          Drawings related to the narration pan across the screen as
          CORRESPONDENT narrates.

                    In ancient times, when toes were
                    invented, times were tough. You
                    needed as many toes as you could get.
                    In fact, some Roman soldiers were
                    paid in toes.

                              PERSON 2
                    Walt. I’m changing my guess. 4 toes.

                              CORRESPONDENT
                    After the fall of Rome and those toe
                    endangering sandals, toes were taken
                    for granted.

                    Chicago: 1354. When Jesus was
                    visiting the Native Americans Theres
                    no record of toes being mentioned.
                    Moccasins his toes from view.

                    Modern day. This park.

                    Toes are way important, right?

          ALL cheer.
                    But how many do we really need? Let’s
                    go to a different location to talk
                    about it.

          INT. A CLASSROOM

                              CORRESPONDENT
                    I mean what do toes even do?

          A STUDENT raises their hand.

                              STUDENT
                    Make people jealous?

                              CORRESPONDENT
                    No.

                              STUDENT 2
                    Match your eyeshadow?

                              CORRESPONDENT
                    No.

                              STUDENT 3
                    Make you more interesting at parties?

                              CORRESPONDENT
                    No.

                              STUDENT 3
                    GODDAMNIT!!

                              CORRESPONDENT
                    Calm down Student 3. It’s just
                    science.

          CORRESPONDENT addresses the camera.

                    So I lied. You were all right. Toes
                    do all of those things and more. And
                    changing anything about the number
                    and order of your toes could have
                    drastic consequences.

                    For instance, remove the big toe and
                    you might fall over. Remove the pinky
                    toe, and you are suddenly seen as
                    crazy by the vultures in the media.

                    I’m going to start walking outside
                    now so that you don’t notice that I’m
                    really just reciting a script I
                    memorized.

          INT. HALLWAY.

                              CORRESPONDENT
                    If you remove the first two toes but
                    add six more, people will never let
                    you go swimming again on account of
                    how unfair it would be for you to
                    swim with all those extra toes.

                    What about putting all ten toes on
                    one foot? You know you’ve always
                    imagined how glorious that would be.
                    You know, not having to worry about
                    where the rest your toes are when
                    you’re only looking at one foot? It’s
                    deeply troubling to many of us.

                    So you get it. There are many
                    different ways to configure your
                    total toe inventory on your person.
                    That much is obvious.

                    Here’s what you’ve been waiting for.
                    How many toes do we actually need? In
                    order to feel fresh and confident,
                    fair and balanced. In order to never
                    fall down but not to brag about it.
                    In order to look good in sandals but
                    also on high heels. In order to be
                    popular at parties while never chosen
                    for jury duty. The Number is two. One
                    giant toe in the middle of each foot.

                    But not just any two toes. These two
                    toes.

          A picture of two feet with one giant toe in the middle of
          each. Each toe is wearing sunglasses and a Hawaiian lei.

                    These are the guys we need. One is
                    named Joe Biden. The other is deaf,
                    and doesn’t know sign language so we
                    just tap on him when we need him.

                    These toes give you all the love and
                    support you need as well as a little
                    bit of stability on your feet.

                    How many feet do we need? Wait a
                    minute. Slow down. One question per
                    video.

                    Until next time, I’m Chris Churchill
                    and my undisclosed number of toes.

Chris Churchill teaches communication, media, and theatre at Northeastern Illinois University.  His/book/audiobook, "Ballad of the Small Talker," is available on Amazon, iTunes, and Spotify  He will be performing "Chris Churchill Presents Chris Churchill (And Also Some Other People)," this Friday Night, November 17th, at the Greenhouse Theatre in Chicago.
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