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The Button!


By: Chris Churcill/Contributor
Hey guys. 

Big news. Big fake news. I’m so excited to be the one to be here to report it to you. The scientists have really done it. They’ve figured it out. I think it’s really going to happen this time. The research is back and it appears that it works. Here it is:

They have come up with this new invention where you can just kill anyone you want with the push of the button. It’s called “The Button”! How simple is that?

How does it work? It’s really science-y and I don’t fully understand it. Just call it magic. It may as well be. Someone makes you want them dead? The Button is here to facilitate your action! What a perfect invention!

The Button is super easy, too. Some people say it’s too easy but how can we, in good conscience, and in respect to scientific progress, say that something can be too easy? It’s why we make machines. To make work easier. 

Anyway, enough of my moralizing. Here’s what you do: You simply purchase the button from a Walgreens or CVS or even your nearest gas station. The packaging is beautiful. It’s like a glowing purple tinted version of the good ol’ red, white and blue with a bull riding a bald eagle into battle. Both of them are shooting hate lasers from their eyes. Point is, the packaging really gets to you. Really speaks to the fear and patriotism deep inside you. It's cheap too. It's like four bucks. Pretty much anybody can get one. Buy one for yourself. Get one for your spouse and one for each of your kids. It's cheap enough that everyone can have one. 

 This is how it works: open the beautifully designed box and peel out the transparent, dime sized button and affix it to your hand. Then, when you want someone to die, push the button while thinking of them. It's instantaneous. Easy!
And it’s untraceable. No trail. They’ll never know YOU did anything! In fact, if you knew them, expect a stunned phone call from a mutual friend telling all about how the person you hate is dead now. 

 Did I mention it's cheap? Because it is! So cheap that ANYONE can get their hands on one considering that ever your worst enemy can get one (not to mention CRAZY people), you can't afford NOT to get yours.
Get yours before they get theirs so you can get them before they get your! It's YOUR right as an American.

 Sure, some people say it probably shouldn’t be legal. But, when it comes out, we won’t have to listen to them anymore, will we? 

The Button. Get yours now!



Chris Churchill teaches communication, media, and theatre at Northeastern Illinois University.  His/book/audiobook, "Ballad of the Small Talker," is available on Amazon, iTunes, and Spotify  

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