End Times Watch: Christian/Muslim Volleyball Tournament Proof of Lord’s Return.

By: Chris Churchill/Contributor

Topeka, Kansas

Reverend Ed Hanson, 58, has announced that he has incontrovertible evidence that Jesus Christ will be returning “to shepherd his flock back home” next Thursday at about 2:15pm. He suggests we all get right with God and pack our nicest linen robes, because “this is the big one!” He claims his evidence comes from the voice of the Lord Himself.

Hanson, who scours his Bible for signs of Christ’s return for hours everyday, says he found the evidence while walking past the high school last Wednesday.

“I saw that there was a Christian/Muslim volleyball tournament going on that night.” Hanson bristled. “They claimed it was for the cause of ‘understanding’ between people. That’s just donkey scat. If Jesus had wanted us to love each other, He would have said something about it.”

When it was suggested to Hanson that Jesus had actually said those exact words, Hanson’s response was quick and authoritative.

“Then I suppose it’s okay to own slaves and drink wine and grow your hair long and let women have jobs outside the home? Come on. You can’t just pick and choose what parts of the bible you want to believe!” Hanson then presented a crumpled up piece of yellow construction paper from his pocket. On the paper was a list of things he had seen recently that were, he claimed, certain indications that Christ would be returning to Earth soon to restore his Kingdom.

The list included the fact that people had developed the “magic power of speed reading”, “’Racecar’ is a palindrome”, and that apparently a coyote had recently wandered into a shopping mall.

“And it spoke human words!” Hanson exclaimed. “It was either ‘I love you.’ or ‘I’m hungry.’ We can’t be sure. And have you ever heard of these cases where people go missing? That’s God practicing the Rapture on people that aren’t that important!” At this point, Hanson held up his picket sign that said, “God Hates Allah!” and began to march in a tight, one foot wide circle.

He later fell down.

Chris Churchill teaches communication, media, and theatre at Northeastern Illinois University. His/book/audiobook, "Ballad of the Small Talker," is available on Amazon, iTunes, and Spotify

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