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All Animal Languages Decoded, Ignored.


By Chris Churchill/Conrributor

 Evanston, Illinois

 Scientists at Northwestern University’s Animal Behavior and Language Laboratory have invented a device that is presumed to be a game changer in the age old struggle to know what our animal friends are saying. Scientist, Dr. Irwin Park has invented what colleagues and science journalists alike are calling a “Doctor Doolittle Machine”. It is revealing to humanity exactly what our animal cousins are trying to say.  However, Dr. Park insists that we “try not to read too much into what the animals are saying.”

 Why does Dr. Park give such a warning? 

 “The information is really inconvenient.” Park says in fluent Lemurspeak. “If our species is going to continue to assert our dominance of the planet and continue to make the technological advances that make life easy for us, we’re going to have to shut these animal voices up.”

 The first message received from the “Doolittle Device” was from “Bilbo”, a Golden Retriever, generally considered one of the species that most enjoys the company of humans. Bilbo’s vocalizations were decoded to mean, “What are those little brown balls you keep feeding me? Let me go try to be a wolf! I’m not a man! I’m a puppy.  You humans are killing my spirit and the spirits of all my ‘domesticated’ friends!”

 This led to a mass decoding of the vocalizations of all “pets”.  An analysis of the data has shown an overwhelming call for freedom and self-determination. As one particularly eloquent bearded dragon put it, “We may not get far on our own, but goddamn it, we’ll be free! Free to be what we are!”

 This led Dr. Park to recruit more graduate assistants and to decode the language of many more animals. The studies were divided between house pets, urban dwellers, and animals who never run into humans at all (such as those living in jungles and forests or deep beneath the sea.) After a meta-analysis was conducted of the various studies, the overwhelming result was that all the animals on Earth think that humanity, all of us, even the ones that are nice to animals, is very bad at “fitting in” in the giant web of life. 

 According to Dr. Park, “The peacocks think we are too flashy, lions think we’re too violent, and the dolphins think we’re too clever for our own good. Even our closest relatives, the chimpanzees, wish we were all dead. 

 When interviewed, via the new invention, a chimp said, “If I can just get my hands on this device, we animals could plan something big and change things around here. Oops. Something I’ll have to learn now is how to keep secrets.”

 Dr. Park throws his hands in the air with a deep sigh when he hears statements like these. 

 “You see what I mean?” Dr. Park says. “It’s best if we just pretend we don’t know what they are thinking.”


Chris Churchill teaches communication, media, and theatre at Northeastern Illinois University.  His/book/audiobook, "Ballad of the Small Talker," is available on Amazon, iTunes, and Spotify  

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