By Chris Churchill/Conrributor Evanston, Illinois Scientists at Northwestern University’s Animal Behavior and Language Laboratory have invented a device that is presumed to be a game changer in the age old struggle to know what our animal friends are saying. Scientist, Dr. Irwin Park has invented what colleagues and science journalists alike are calling a “Doctor Doolittle Machine”. It is revealing to humanity exactly what our animal cousins are trying to say.  However, Dr. Park insists that we “try not to read too much into what the animals are saying.” Why does Dr. Park give such a warning?  “The information is really inconvenient.” Park says in fluent Lemurspeak. “If our species is going to continue to assert our dominance of the planet and continue to make the technological advances that make life easy for us, we’re going to have to shut these animal voices up.” The first message received from the “Doolittle Device” was from “Bilbo”, a Golden Retriever, generall...

By: Chris Churchill/Contributor Topeka, Kansas Reverend Ed Hanson, 58, has announced that he has incontrovertible evidence that Jesus Christ will be returning “to shepherd his flock back home” next Thursday at about 2:15pm. He suggests we all get right with God and pack our nicest linen robes, because “this is the big one!”  He claims his evidence comes from the voice of the Lord Himself.  Hanson, who scours his Bible for signs of Christ’s return for hours everyday, says he found the evidence while walking past the high school last Wednesday.  “I saw that there was a Christian/Muslim volleyball tournament going on that night.” Hanson bristled. “They claimed it was for the cause of ‘understanding’ between people. That’s just donkey scat. If Jesus had wanted us to love each other, He would have said something about it.” When it was suggested to Hanson that Jesus had actually said those exact words, Hanson’s response was quick and authoritative. “Then I suppo...